Where do I begin? I want to blog. I want to record my experiences. I want a way to let people know how what happens affects me. There’s so much going on in my life: my mom’s illness, my best friend’s… you know… constant issues with cancer and my relationship with David. Even my faith the size of Mustardseed should show it’s voice here.
I talk about my best friends constant issues with cancer because I don’t really like the idea of it being a battle because a battle implies that one side is stronger and that there’s going to be a winner and a loser. But in dealing with cancer even if you win you don’t always win and even if you lose there’s still some winning that happens. What I mean is that you can touch so many lives while you’re going through the worst hurt and the worst health you have ever been through and your own strength of character can show even when you’re body is at its weakest.
My mom is dealing with dementia caused by strokes. It’s a disease and it’s tearing her apart but we don’t talk about that as a battle – don’t talk about that as a fight… We don’t talk about her as a survivor so why do we say that with cancer?
My dad passed away of Alzheimer’s disease when I was 18 years old he had been sick for 10 years of my life at that point. I didn’t see him in the hospital much. I didn’t really like to think about his illness. I really liked to try and pretend that everything was normal even though it wasn’t. I don’t regret not seeing my dad. I don’t regret the choices I made is a teenager because I think they were the only choices that I had… The only choices I could make out of a desire for self-preservation. And in retrospect the choices I made regarding my dad’s illness helped to make me the person I am today; a person who wants to spend time with the people in my life when their health isn’t great. I go to the hospital now and I see my mom – a shadow of her former self… And some days it’s really, really hard and some days it reminds me way too much of my dad in his illness. But some days like today I go and find that mom really seems more like the person I remember! And whether she’s doing well or whether she’s doing terribly, I’m always glad that I went into see my mom and I have these moments with her because my dad taught me that you never know how many moments you have.
I guess it’s that same idea that led me to the rafting trip with Aim last summer. The idea that we only have this one chance to make these memories and so, I decided to go on the rafting trip and it was absolutely amazing! I’m so glad I had the time with Aim and all of the experiences I had in the Grand Canyon. Reliving the trip right now in the webisode series Valleys is a little weird, a little surreal. Seeing me and seeing Aim live through such raw emotions on the computer screen is strange.
Right after coming back from the Grand Canyon, I met the man of my dreams although I didn’t know that he was the man of my dreams. I asked God for something pretty spectacular and pretty specific, and God managed to find me and give me something greater than I had ever even thought to ask for!
God definitely has a sense of humor because he introduced me to the man of my dreams at Fan Expo. In the SciFi speed dating event no less! I really hadn’t expected to meet anybody worth my time at that event… I just went for a laugh and just for a chance to figure out how to talk to guys because I had been hurt before and I really kind of put up walls and defenses around myself making it hard to even attempt conversation properly. Five minutes of torturous conversation about 12 times over… I figured it was a good use of my time because in the end maybe I would be able to talk to people potential suitors like it was no big deal.
But when I was face-to-face with David, something changed. I knew there was something special about this guy, I talked to Co-co afterwards and told her about how awesome he was. His smile lit up my heart! I just felt an instant connection that I couldn’t really explain and afterwards when we decided to meet up we spent 2 1/2 hours just talking. I knew David was someone that I wanted to keep in contact with, someone that I wanted to see again and when we said goodbye I wanted him to hug me and I was really happy when he did.
Prior to the Grand Canyon trip, I kept saying that I didn’t have time for a relationship because there was too much going on in my life: Aim needed me, my family needed me, my job needed me… There wasn’t enough time for me to give to someone else. But after the Grand Canyon trip I realized that I needed to take time for myself, and I needed people to be there to support me rather than me just supporting people. So meeting David when I did my heart was open to the idea of a relationship for the first time in a very long time.
I always thought that I would end up with a Catholic because I am Catholic and because the relationships that I’ve had with non-Catholics in the past have only put a wedge between me and my faith. I find I’m most myself when I’m able to pray and most myself when I can trust in God, and sing to God, and talk to God. So being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have that same relationship – I thought it would drive me away from God because it had before. But David’s curiosity in my faith and the questions he poses to me about my faith only seem to deepen my faith… Only seem to make me trust in God even more because God is giving me someone who is so interested in my faith. Someone who is strengthened by my belief in God. Someone who supports me by going to church with me, someone who reminds me in my darkest moments that God is there for me. Even though David is not a Catholic, he sees the value in my faith and encourages me to deepen my faith. We have had so many discussions about God, about Christianity, about Catholicism, about the difference between faith and religion… and every time I hear God’s voice in our conversations.