Grief is such a curious part of life. It hurts in such a tangible way when you lose someone you love. It’s an ache in the chest… hard to breathe… sudden sobs… unavoidable questions of how you will survive this? How can you survive this? There is pain every time there is a new experience that they are not there for.
Though the grief never goes away, it does change over time. The person is in your thoughts but you accept that you can’t hear their voice again, or feel their touch. If you’re like me and you believe in something beyond this world, maybe (like me) you talk to them when you’re alone or inside your mind at times when you need them close. The tears stop flowing so freely, and the pain dulls. Joy returns to your life, but the world is changed with the absence of the one you love… But there still are moments when it hits you all over again. Years later… Decades later… When you realize anew that you will not see them with you at a major life event.
Soon after my mom went into the hospital this time, David and I went to visit my dad’s grave. That day it was like a punch in the stomach as I realized that my father and my boyfriend had never met, nor would they ever meet. It also struck me that soon we could be visiting both my father and my mother here.
In the time since that visit, a lot has changed. David proposed to me with a ring made in part out of my mom’s wedding band, mom’s condition has leveled out and we have had to accept the reality that she may not be able to come home, and if she does she will require round the clock care. My nephew Jordan suffered a pretty painful back injury. My brother in law went to and came back from Honduras where he did paramedicine, my sister has gone in for surgery and is recovering… And today is my dad’s birthday.
David came with me after work today to visit my dad’s grave again. It was hard to now look at this grave and know that my father and my fiancé have never met, nor will they. It was hard to think that it has been thirteen years since I last had the opportunity to see my dad’s face, and twenty years since I last had the opportunity to experience his personality and wisdom.
I have always known that my dad would not be walking me up the aisle at my wedding, but now that that wedding is becoming a reality, I grieve that my dad won’t be able to give me away to My David. I grieve for the friendship these two men will not have (at least not in this life). I miss my dad, and I miss him more for David.
Grief is a mystery to me. How does it serve us well to hurt so much for things we cannot change?