So, I have a confession to make… When I was a kid and a teen, I was a bit of a slacker. I would sit in class watching the seconds tick by, lamenting the time I was wasting that if never get back when I could be doing something fun or at least something not in a classroom. I didn’t have the best work ethic either. My motto seemed to be why give 100% when you can give less and scrape by?
Entering the real world in my 20’s it took a while to figure out how to suppress my inner slacker so that I didn’t get written up at work for being late. The fear of not being able to pay rent lit a fire inside of me that nothing before that had. And getting jobs I liked stoked that fire, making me a version of myself that my younger self wouldn’t recognize. I have been proud in the past of not taking sick days and just pushing through whatever is going on. It’s even gotten to the point where taking time off when I need to makes me stressed because I’m not there!
Since starting the process of trying to have a baby, about a year and a half ago, I had to give myself permission to take time when I needed it. Doctors appointments, procedures, side effects of medications, all had me away from work. It was, and still is hard on me to make that choice. In my mind I worry that it’s a slippery slope back to my slacker ways. So, to compensate I want to give 150% when I’m there. The problem is that appears to not quite be sustainable.
Everything that we went through with Lily, from the bleeding at 14 weeks to my recovery from the D&C have created a tug of war inside of me, and made me realize that I don’t know how to do the one thing that everyone keeps telling me to do. I don’t know how to “take it easy”. I know how to give my all, I know how to knuckle down and push through, and I know how to worry about not giving it my all.
Sometimes, right now, I just can’t even give 100%. Sometimes I use up all my reserves just getting out of bed. It makes me feel like I’m letting everyone else down.
I worry about the consequences of my actions and what I prioritize and I wonder if I will be able to figure out how to take it easy when I need to without feeling like I’m reprising my old role.