Today we went back to see Doctor H. The receptionist remembered me by name, and that made me feel pretty good after not being there for half a year. The clinic looked the same, but the waiting room was more full of patients than I remember from my early morning cycle monitoring sessions.
Doctor H told us how heartbroken she was to find out about our loss. We talked about how it happened and what the probable cause was, and I watched as she referred to Lily by name three times in her notes. That really meant a lot to me, because to us Lily is our daughter not just a failed pregnancy and I felt like in this small gesture she validated that.
Moving forward, we will be trying again with Serophene, it’s an oral drug in the same family as clomid, and it’s what we had success with in having Lily. Before I can start taking the Serophene though, we need my body to have a period and we need to do a couple of tests again. I have to have another HSG and Sono done because of the prolonged bleeding and the D&C. Those tests have to be done between five and twelve days into a cycle. The timing of that might be a little wonky. Next week David and I will be heading to his home town for March Break and the following week the clinic will be closed for March Break. So chances are that I’ll have to take medication to induce a period in April and we’ll move forward from there.
Both David and I got blood work done, he had three vials taken and I had around ten… I honestly lost count. They were checking my hormones, and my iron, and who knows what else. We both had to do the government mandated annual infectious disease screening. David kept making jokes with the phlebotomist. My amazing husband knows how to put people at ease, the phlebotomist even joked about doing David’s blood with his eyes closed. After telling David he was all done and taking out the needle he pulled another vial out of his pocket, but he didn’t re-poke David for that, he said David could get it done next time. I’m curious what that vial was for or if he was joking.
I’m glad we’re going back to the same clinic. I’m glad I know what to expect with the HSG and the Sono. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really such a good idea for us to try again. I wonder if we’re crazy for willingly putting ourselves through all of this again. I worry that we’re fighting for something that is just not meant to be. Honestly, I’m terrified of losing another baby.
But I think about the brief time I was pregnant with Lily. I think about holding her. I think about think about my brief time with her being the extent of my motherhood and I want more. If I can’t have more I at least want to know that I tried. If we’re not meant to have kids, I hope that trying this one more time will give me the closure that I need in order to move on and fully enjoy the amazing family David and I have in each other without wondering “what if”.
So here we are. Waiting again. With an amazing doctor and her staff on our side, at the start of a path that we’ve already cleared, with a plan to help us get to a happy ending.