It’s Tuesday morning as I write this. I woke up, took my BBT like normal, then took another pregnancy test. The five minutes for it to process ticked by, I tried not to even glance at it until my timer was done, but I failed. There staring back at me was the dark red control line and a light pink line in the test window. Like it was whispering “wanna know a secret? There’s a baby in there.”
I stared at the test for a while before I walked back into the bedroom and woke David with a kiss. I quietly told him that I’d taken the test and we had a light line. He moaned and said “so we have another Schrödinger’s pregnancy. I want Alarm bells and flashing lights.” I told him the line was definitely there, but that I could go and get some more sensitive tests tonight. I asked him if he wanted to see the test, he said no. So I went and snapped this picture.
I asked him how he felt about it, he said that it brings back a lot of feelings from last time, and I agree. We both feel happy, for sure! But there’s also worry and fear. We’re both so glad for this chance though, and we’re relieved that I don’t have to do another round of drugs!
According to my Fertility Friend app, the due date for this little one is January 26th, 2017. Our viability date is October 27, 2016. I’m interested to find out how these dates compare to the due date I’ll get from Doctor H. in a few weeks.
I’m looking forward to telling our family and friends, but we’ll probably wait until after the blood test on Thursday to start telling people. I’m so happy that right now my husband and I are the only people on the planet that know about Lily’s sibling.
It’s Tuesday night. Throughout the day I flip flopped through positive and not so positive emotions. I’d think about telling everyone, and watching my belly grow, and imagining David holding our baby for the first time. I’d imagine how wonderful that first healthy cry is going to sound. I wish that I could just celebrate with reckless abandon, but the cloud of worry remains. I thought about that faint line, I know that just like false negatives, false positives are also a thing. I know that a faint line can also mean a chemical pregnancy (where a fertilized egg gives off HCG, but it doesn’t implant). I began to doubt if the test was right. I thought about all the things that could go wrong… what would we do if… then the happy part of my brain would flip on and ask “why can’t I just celebrate this little life for add long as I have it?”
I told David about my roller coaster emotions and we agreed to go get some more sensitive tests. I took one as soon as we got home.
David was pleased with this line, he thought it looks darker than the first. I’m not so sure. I’m going to take a digital test tomorrow. I don’t want to just take a couple of faint lines and decide that’s enough proof that I’m pregnant, then get the call from the doctor that the blood test is negative. I’m wanting the alarms and flashing lights that David was talking about this morning.
But as it stands right now, there is a fertilized egg, there is a little life inside me and we are going to celebrate it as such. When we found out about Lily we dubbed her Widget as a nickname until we were able to find out who she was. Tonight we gave this little one a nickname… David came up with it: B
Or Bee or Baby-B or Bumblebee or Bea. Because B is the second letter of the alphabet and this is our second chance, if the baby is a bee then I’m a bee hive, and Baby-B sounds cute. The name Bea means bringer of joy. Yeah. This is B.
I’m writing this at 7am. David woke up with acid reflux at around 4am. I got up with him, got him zantac and tums, and tried to get him to calm down. He’s never experienced acid reflux before. Once I got him sorted out I decided to take the digital pregnancy test.
I showed this one to David and he smiled and said “now that’s more like it” I agree! Right now I feel a bit more optimistic about Bee. But I’ll probably end up doing another of the cheapo pee sticks before heading to the clinic tomorrow morning.
It’s blood test day! I took another of the cheapo pee sticks at 5:30am. It didn’t make me feel very hopeful. The line doesn’t look any darker to me. I’m starting to consider the potential of this being a chemical pregnancy. That’s when an egg is fertilized but fails to attach to the uterine wall. It puts out HCG as it travels around and out. I’m trying to prepare myself for a not so happy phone call today.
I did my blood test at 7am. It was pretty quick and I barely felt the needle this time! I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day at work.
I missed the call from the doctor, and so I went outside on my break to get the news. I couldn’t speak as I heard the words “Congratulations! You’re pregnant!” I was super stoked to hear that my HCG and Progesterone levels are both where they are supposed to be for four weeks pregnant! I was shaking, and I cried and laughed and shook some more. I texted David and slowly tried to digest that this is real! Bee is REAL! We get a second chance at parenthood!
David and I spent the evening calling and texting family and friends, letting everyone know the good news. We even decided to make it facebook official. We loved sharing Lily’s story and all the joy that was part of her short life, we want to celebrate Bee (our bringer of joy) every day that we possibly can.