Thursday, my work pants were feeling a little tight, and there was a function after work which had me in my dress pants extra long. All I could think about were the maternity sweat pants that I never retired after Lily. I also got to share my good news with a few more people which was nice. I tried to stay off my feet as much as possible, following doctor’s orders.
On Friday I went for my first ultrasound. The appointment was a bit of a roller coaster! The external ultrasound showed the sack five days behind where it should have been and the tech couldn’t see the baby let alone the heart beat. So I had a little cry in the washroom and prayed “please don’t take this one away”. And then went in for the internal.
The tech found the baby and showed David the heart beating away. It was too small for us to hear the heartbeat but her machine was measuring it on a graph. When David said that he could see the flicker, that’s when I lost it! The tech then turned the monitor for me to see and I bawled even more! Bee was measuring 5w6d which the doc said is exactly where it should be for ovulation on May 5, and she said my due date is Jan 28th even though when I put May 5 in to my apps as my ovulation date they all said Jan 26th, making me 6w1d that day. Doctor H. just shrugged and said a two day margin of error on a fetus that is just under 3mm big is not the end of the world. Heart beat is great, hormones are great. Baby is measuring great according to her software. Either way, chances are it won’t be born on the 26th or the 28th! I’m going to split the difference for now, and decide that Friday we were bang on 6w0d
David and I went away for the weekend. I made sure to take a lot of time to sit and rest. I can definitely feel it when I am standing for ten minutes. Luckily for me there were plenty of places where I could sit and take a load off. I did a lot of sitting and people watching.
On Sunday June 5th (6w2d), I was lying in bed when it hit me! I’d been pregnant for a month! Sure, we didn’t know that Bee was in the works a month ago, but that doesn’t change the fact that he or she was a microscopic ball of magic. I know that we still have so far to go, but it’s a good first step that we have made it this far.
On Tuesday I got a call from the office of our OBGYN that we have our first appointment with Doctor M next Wednesday! From 7w5d to 13weeks we will be under the care of both my fertility specialist Doctor H and Doctor M. And from 8w6d until 13weeks I’ll be under the care of both doctors and my midwife team. I know it’s a lot of people, and it will mean a lot of appointments but I am so glad for all of that attention. At 13 weeks I’ll graduate from the fertility clinic and at that point my OBGYN will be primarily responsible for my care and my midwifery team will be a support, handling more of the emotional and well-being side. If we make it to 34 weeks, I believe my OBGYN will transfer primary care to the midwives.
I got transferred to a different location at my job and Thursday was my first day there. I was 7w0d by my first calculations, or 6w5d by Doctor H’s calculations. That morning I woke up from a terrible dream that I was bleeding a lot and that I was losing the baby. I didn’t want to go to work after that, but I did anyways. This location was a lot bigger than my old location, and although they were willing to modify my duties, I was doing a lot more walking than I had been. I got almost half way through the day before disaster struck. I stood up and felt a GUSH! I kept praying so hard as I made my way to the washroom… A terribly long hike in that condition. When I got to the washroom, my worst fear was realized. I tried to tidy up as much as I could while freaking out. I was in a daze of fear and panic while I walked to the secretary, introduced myself and explained that it was my first day there but that I had to leave because I was pregnant and bleeding a lot. She and another coworker were adamant that I not drive myself to the hospital. The secretary wanted to call an ambulance and the other coworker wanted to drive me herself. Before I really knew what was going on she was in front of me with her SUV. I tried to keep it together in the car, but the tears refused to be stopped. I got through triage and they gave me some pads and told me to keep track of how much bleeding happened. I was so uncomfortable. I won’t go into details, but it was not a good scene… Not at all. The weird thing was that if I was having any cramping, it was very mild. Which I found strange considering my knowledge of miscarriage and preterm labour. But how could that much blood (and clots) mean anything other than miscarriage? I prayed like mad. The coworker stayed with me until she was sure I was in the right place and getting the attention I needed. I told her it was okay for her to go back to work. I didn’t want her to miss her lunch because of me, and my amazing David was on his way.
The ER was so full that they had me in Fracture Bed 1. The nurse came and introduced herself. She seemed kind and she told me she was going to take some blood and set up an IV. She turned both my arms into Swiss cheese trying to get me to bleed. It was fairly uncomfortable, but after a while she figured it out. After that fiasco I guess she gave up on the idea of giving me an IV because she never did it. I lay in the bed and let the time tick by waiting for answers, and waiting for my strength and bravery (David) to arrive. He had to wait to get picked up and driven to the hospital because I had our only car. He called to talk to me for a bit to keep my mind occupied, but I had to get off the phone when the doctor came in to talk to me. The doctor said that based on my HCG level (and he was able to compare it to previous levels because I have been keeping a list) he would decide whether it was worth it to do an ultrasound. I was trying so hard not to panic. I knew that that wouldn’t help me or the baby and could only make things worse. I tried to distract myself by texting with my best friend and scrolling through facebook. I tried to read my ebook, but I couldn’t concentrate on that. When David texted to tell me he was 15 minutes away I was struck by an immense sense of calm. I started breathing easier, and my mind quieted.
After David and my mom arrived at the hospital the doctor came in with this really old ultrasound machine. According to David the picture quality was crap. The doctor said that if the HCG level was higher than 20000, he was confident he’d be able to see the baby if the baby was there to see. My level was 88000. So he set to work trying to find our BabyBee on this crappy old machine that had no zoom. David commented on the difference between this machine and the one at Doctor H’s, with it’s 7x zoom, and comparatively crisp image quality. After a few minutes the doctor gave up. He said he couldn’t find any trace of Bee and that even though my HCG level was great, he was pretty sure I was miscarrying. He scheduled a followup ultrasound and blood work for Saturday to confirm it. Even as he spoke I felt like he was wrong. I called Doctor H’s office, and let the receptionist know what was going on, and they made space for me to get an ultrasound there the next day (Friday). The doctor came back with his requisitions and I told him of my arrangements and he circled the number to call if I had to cancel his recs.
As we were leaving the hospital, I used the loo again. The bleeding had lessened substantially, but I did pass a small piece of tissue. I decided it was too small to be anything, and let that be that. On the way home, David asked me if I still felt pregnant and I said yes. He said that was good because from what he read online, most moms “knew” whether or not they had lost their baby even before it was confirmed. As I thought about it more and more, my mind filled with doubt. I had so many people reaching out to me on social media telling me that it was going to be okay, that they had a feeling that Bee was fine. I tried to believe them and I tried to hold onto how I had felt so strongly that the ER doctor had been wrong.
On Friday I woke up at 5am. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I just couldn’t shut my mind off. Finally I gave into it and let myself just be awake. I felt nauseous. I was unsure if that was a sign of pregnancy or of nerves. I had another little cry, and then got a phone call from one of my mom’s friends asking if she could pop by for a visit. I explained to her what was going on and when I was done she said she was already on her knees praying for me. I got dressed to go, and sat on the edge of our bed. David snuggled in close behind me, rubbing my back. Even though he doesn’t share my faith, and even though my faith has been badly shaken since the loss of Lily, I asked David to pray with me. And he did. Almost as soon as we were done praying, my phone started ringing again. It was my mom’s friend again. She said that she had been praying and got an answer. “This happened to you and your baby was fine. We are with her.” She just felt like she needed me to know that. I tried to let it console me but I was so scared.
We waited at the doctor’s office for over half an hour before getting seen. That’s a pretty long time to wait with a full bladder! When it was finally our turn the ultrasound tech was able to see the gestational sack of our tiny human on the abdominal scan, but she couldn’t get a clear view of Bea. So I prepared for the transvaginal. There… AGAIN… was our teeny tiny baby! His or her heart beating at a healthy 126bpm. We even got to hear it this time! And again we got to see the tiny flicker of it. I can’t tell you how relieved I was! The ultrasound also showed a pocket of blood under the gestational sack and when we talked to the doctor we found out that the bleeding was caused by a burst blood vessel below where the baby is attached to the uterus. If I hadn’t been walking around so much, the bleeding probably wouldn’t have been nearly so bad. The little pocket of blood that remained would either drain or be absorbed in the next few days.
After talking to the doctor about everything, it was decided that my best course of action right now is to stop working. And focus my time instead on cooking Bee and taking care of both me and Bee.
What a roller coaster ride that I don’t think we needed!