This week started off with relief! We got to hear Bee’s heartbeat (126bpm) and see our tiny blob of a baby with his or her flickering little heart. We didn’t get a picture after that appointment (which I talked about more last week) but man was I happy to take my bump day picture that night!
On Saturday David, my mom and I went up north to visit my aunt, and check out a butter tart festival. I spent a good amount of time sitting on the curbs, watching people, and looking at the different booths. It didn’t take long for the award winning butter tarts to sell out, and we left with a 6pack of pecan tarts that we know we like because we used to get them all the time while living in my home town. We also got more “healthier” pecan tarts (again a 6pack) that are made without lard. They were more runny and I prefer a thicker filling in my butter tarts. If we go to the butter tart festival again, I think it will have to be when I can walk farther and easier, and we’d have to aim to get there for nine instead of noon.
My aunt also gave us a watercolour painting she did as part of a painting challenge. The inspiration was “Consider the Lilies”. The painting is of calla lilies and lilies of the valley. We have the painting sitting on our memorial table for Lily now. Both David and I are very thankful for the painting and are pleased to add it to the memorial for our baby girl.
On Sunday we went to Church in my home town. I sat through the whole mass as I was having low pain and cramping. We then went out for brunch with my sister her hubby and their son. My eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach as I only ate one of my pancakes! I am really relieved that I am not experiencing morning sickness… yet… and that by cutting out coffee and even decaf coffee, my acid reflux has settled down substantially! We then took my mom back to my other sister and brother in law’s house, and we had a nice roast beef dinner, and visited for a bit.
It was weird on Monday not having to get up to go to work. I really felt like I was playing hookie. But my cousin came by for a visit, and that was wonderful! She told me about a diapering service that some new parents she knows are using, and it looks pretty cool. David and I are considering using Bear Bottoms for Bee because their service seems to have the answers to the biggest problems we had with cloth diapering. Of course we still have plenty of time before we need to think about diapering our tiny human. In the afternoon, I felt bad when I woke up to my cousin getting ready to leave. My pesky pregnancy induced narcolepsy! She didn’t seem to mind, but I still felt bad that I’d slept through part of her visit.
One of the great things about not working is that I can get more time for quality time with family! On Tuesday I dropped David off at work then I went to my brother’s house, flopped on his couch and played Dr Mario with him for a while. Get this: I beat him!!! That has been a long time coming! He was on level 8 and I was on level 3… but I still take it as a victory! I also got to be one of the first people to see my niece in her prom dress. I got to be there when she picked it out a couple of months back. Her prom is about 10 days away. So, it’s kind of crunch time.
Wednesday we got to meet with our OBGYN Doctor M. She was nice. We had to go through our whole story again to refresh her. She had only seen us once, and that was after losing Lily, to discuss whether or not it was okay to try again. After getting the background sorted out and discussing due dates (she put the 28th in her notes just like doctor Heather), we got to the nittygritty business of discussing the cerclage. There is a very small risk of infection and if that occurs they will have to take out the stitch regardless of how far along we are. She also explained how the procedure is done and that made me cringe a bit. She told us that it’s really our choice if we want to do the preventative cerclage, usually done at about 13/14 weeks or if we want to wait. The issue with waiting is that sometimes by the time they notice the cervix is opening it’s already too late, and either it’s not possible to put the stitch in, or it’s too risky, or they nick the amniotic sack which effectively ends the pregnancy or it induces labour. So… we decided to go with the preventative stitch. BUT! When we’re 13/14 weeks, Doctor M will be on vacation and she doesn’t want to leave it ’til she gets back. So we’ll be getting it done somewhere between July 13-16. When we’re near the end of 11 weeks/the start of 12 weeks. The only thing that I’m wondering is how that will affect getting the neuchal translucency scan done at 12 weeks. I’m going to be getting that scan done with Doctor H, and I’ll be going to see her on Wednesday for another ultrasound, so I’ll ask her about it then.
Doctor M said I most likely wont have to be on strict bed rest after the stitch. She said that I will still have to take it easy and listen to my body though. She also told us no frisky business because it’s too risky with an incompetent cervix. That was a little disappointing to hear. But we’ll do what we have to for this baby. Doctor M was very patient when I took out my phone and ran through the list of questions I had prepared for her. She didn’t get annoyed at my paranoia, which was really nice. And she had kleenex at the ready when my momma hormones had me crying.
Thursday I got to have a visit with my bestie while David was at work and that was a really nice treat! In the evening my stomach was just not right. I didn’t quite feel like I had to barf, but I also definitely didn’t want to eat and I was scared to burp. Could this be the start of that dreaded morning sickness?
This week I have been struggling to feel connected to Bee. It’s as if after the scare with the bleeding last week, part of me is trying to build a wall to keep me separate from the hurt of losing this little one. The rest of me is trying to fight tooth and nail to keep this connection strong and for Bee to feel the love that I have for him or her. I don’t want my baby ever to feel unloved. David wrote about his own feelings of disconnectedness on his blog. I really don’t want out previous experiences of loss to affect how we bond with Bee. But how can we not?