It feels good to be reaching the double digits! On Saturday we hit 9w 0d, the official start of our tenth week. This week we don’t get to see Bee at all. We have no ultrasounds scheduled, and I don’t plan on having any emergencies. So no glimpses of BabyBee this week.
Saturday, David went out to Ribfest in a nearby city with his cousin, and I made plans for one of my friends to come by for a visit. She was a little late getting here after her hair appointment ran long, but her hair looked AWESOME! I’m a little envious. She got it died a deep purple that variegated to rich and bright purple near the ends. I would love to do that to my hair… After Bee is born. We visited for a bit and then she helped me with some of the deep cleaning our apartment has been hurting for and that I just don’t have the stamina for. I can’t express how much I appreciated her help. It really helped me to feel less twitchy.
On Sunday we went to church and then to visit my sister, brother in law and nephew. That morning I took my weekly baby bump picture. Yes, it was a day late. Sometimes I don’t do things when I plan on doing them. It happens. Anyways, I decided to wear my Bump Picture outfit for the day. The tee shirt dress is comfy enough, but the leggings got uncomfortable fast! They were squeezing on Bee’s home. It was uncomfortable to sit and to stand. I tried multiple times to pull the waistband up, but it kept rolling down off my belly. When we lost Lily, my sister took what maternity clothes she could find, and packed them in a bag and took them out of my sight so that I didn’t have to deal with them. So when I was at her house and complaining about my leggings she took the bag out of her closet and after I had a little cry about how hard it is to relax in this pregnancy and how guarded my heart has been, I changed into the maternity clothes. They were definitely more comfortable!
When my sister took my maternity clothes, she missed a bunch, incidentally the ones I wore most. Those ones I ended up packing up on my own weeks after we lost Lily. I packed them into a storage bag that zips up and then put that bag in David’s office, doubtful I’d ever use them again, but unwilling to get rid of them. I decided on Monday that I had to get that bag out and start wearing those clothes. We were going to my niece’s high school graduation and I had to find something nice to wear. I do have some nice maternity tops, so all I had to do was pick out what to wear. But as I opened the bag I was overcome with grief. These were the clothes I had shared with Lily. The last time I wore these clothes was before I lost my daughter. I know it’s crazy but part of me was scared that if I wore these clothes again, I would be accepting a similar fate for Bee. I cried. I sobbed. David came in and talked me down a bit. He hugged me as I cried and gently told me that wearing my maternity clothes is not going to make me lose this baby. It was still hard to put the clothes on, I felt a little like I was playing pretend. I was only 9w2d, that’s way to early to be in maternity clothes. But they are super comfy!
On Tuesday it was easier to put on maternity clothes. Twice on Tuesday I had people ask me how far along I was, and it was really nice to be able to respond that I am pregnant, though I felt sheepish saying only nine weeks. But it was way better feeling than the time I was asked when I was due after I lost Lily and before I got pregnant again. That time sucked.
I got to visit with a friend on Tuesday evening, and meet her three kids. She was good to talk to as she understands a good amount of what I have been through, having gone though similar experiences herself. I also picked up some leggings that I hope will last me through my pregnancy, they are quite stretchy and the waist band stays in place well.
Wednesday we had to go to the dentist. I was debating whether or not to tell them that I’m pregnant. I remember that I told them about being pregnant at one appointment last time, and at the very next appointment I had to tell them that we had lost the baby. I had made my mind up not to say anything, and the hygienist asked her questions, and the last question she asked was “Are there any other medical issues we should know about?” In my mind I was like “Awe crap! I’m cornered” so I told her. Later when the dentist came in he congratulated me about the baby, and I knew that David had told him. No secrets.
Wednesday afternoon we chilled at a different sister’s house and then that evening that sister, my mom, my niece and my three year old grand nephew all came over to help me with some more deep cleaning. I am feeling so much less tense and frustrated looking around the apartment and seeing things done instead of a list of things I just don’t have the energy and the stamina to do. I helped out as much as I could, but took a lot of breaks. At one point I picked up my grand nephew wrong, and it hurt my abdomen. I had a little freakout, and my sister hugged me and tried to calm me down. My body remembers the stress and the tension of trying to hold onto Lily until the last possible moment, and I have to try and calm my body into knowing that this time we are safe, that Bee is safe and we don’t have to fight tooth and nail because of a pulled muscle. I don’t know when the pain went away, but while eating dinner and discussing Goodbye Sol, I realized that it didn’t hurt anymore.
Thursday I had a wicked headache and I felt nauseous off and on all day. It was not so much fun. I slept a good part of the day away. In the evening, I was feeling a bit better and I decided to get out my Doppler to see if I could find Bee’s heartbeat, even though David was opposed to the idea because he didn’t want me worrying about Bee unnecessarily. I moved the Doppler around for a while trying to find Bee, and just when I found that amazing little thump-a-thump-a-thump the Doppler shut off. The battery died. I let David know what had happened and he chuckled a little. After that David and I tried watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. We’d both tried to watch the movie before but neither of us had ever gotten all the way through it. Well, that night we got through it. It wasn’t good. Neither of us really “got” it, and it was so slow! We had to take a few breaks just because we couldn’t sit through it all in one go. Near the end of the movie David sighed, “It’s kind of like a punishment! When Bee gets older and does something really bad, we’re going to make him watch this movie.”
Friday we wrote almost three pages of Goodbye Sol, and then we decided to go see Independence Day Resurgence. But on the way there I began to develop an Ocular migraine, so we turned around and went home. It was a good choice because David developed a full blown migraine. I was super relieved that mine didn’t turn into a full blown migraine because it usually does and that is torture when you’re pregnant.
We ended up having a quiet night to end our tenth week.