HELLO SECOND TRIMESTER!!!
We spent the weekend visiting with David‘s family. His aunt and her boyfriend had a big celebration for their birthdays. We stayed at their house for the weekend. The bed we had was super tall and I felt like a kid every time I climbed in. It was wonderful to visit and catch up. It was great seeing one of David’s cousins and his mom and sister in law there, as well as David’s uncle. He gave us some pretty interesting parenting advice. Something about how the first time that he tried to settle his daughter while his wife slept and he was unable to, he realized that that was how the next eighteen years were going to be. That parenting is hard and tiring and totally worth it.
The food at the party was also really good! They had roasted a pig on a spit and the meat and stuffing were delicious! There were salads and buns and corn on the cob! And then desert! Chocolate cake, vanilla cake, mini butter tarts, this chocolate skor bar type yumminess, carrot cake… I am so happy that Bee has an appetite! I love food and I love that this baby lets me eat.
At home I spend a lot of time horisontal. I lay down on the couch to crochet and watch tv. I get up and walk around a bit and sit upright a but, but the pressure on my cervix hurts, so I do a lot of horizontal time. At the party, I didn’t want to take up a lot of space. I stood and walked around a fair amount, including frequent trips to the loo… and I sat rather than lying down. I thrived on the conversations and interactions. It felt so good to be around people! But by the evening I was done. The pressure on my cervix couldn’t be ignored anymore. I had to go and lie down. Climbing into the tall bed was a bit of a struggle, but once I was horizontal the pain went away. David brought in his laptop for me and set it up so that I could watch Netflix or youtube and keep myself entertained. After a little while David and his cousin came in and watched an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with me. After that they left to go and socialize some more and I stayed lying down. After a while I decided to venture out and get some more water. When I got to the living room, only David and his cousin were left inside, everyone else had either migrated outside or downstairs. I decided to lie down on the couch and hang out with them. The sounds of live music wafted up from the basement, and it was obvious that a jam session was taking shape. I so badly wanted to go down and sing along. I love that kind of stuff! But my body said no. David told me later that he was surprised I didn’t go down and join in with the music, and that was how he knew I wasn’t feeling well. One of the cool things about lying still was that Bee was super active and I could feel him or her bouncing around in there. I love that feeling.
The next morning I tried to take it slow. I laid down more, and got up less. Every so often I could feel BabyBee bump around in my belly. We visited a bit more before getting on the road. We dropped off David’s cousin at his place, then we went by my nephew’s apartment to pick up some boxes and things, because he’s moving back home this weekend. Then we got on the highway. David drove the first part, then we stopped for food and I took over driving. Driving was less comfortable than passengering and after a few hours we had to switch back. Traffic was heavy and there was a lot of stop and go on the highway, so we decided to head north and go up and over the GTA. It was a longer drive, but an easier one.
Monday morning we got up early and drove right into the heart of Toronto to meet up with another of David’s cousins and his fiancée. We had a wonderful breakfast and spent the morning together around City Hall. By noon I was spent. I needed to lie down. It was a bit of a hike back to the car. I tried sitting and resting part of the way there. but it didn’t really help. I was actually nervous about bleeding because of how I felt, but when I checked later there was no sign of blood. David drove home and I navigated. When we got home, we ate lunch together and then I went straight to bed.
On Tuesday I also spent a good portion of the day playing Guitarsmith on the X-box. David got it for me for our anniversary, and my brother gave me an electric guitar that he refurbished that has no resale value. I’m using these tools to actually learn how to play guitar. It’s pretty fun and I like the idea of Bee being able to hear the musical vibrations. Guitarsmith is kind of like Guitar Hero and Rock Band except that you use an actual real guitar with a special USB patch cord plugged into the X-box. It “listens” to you play, helps you tune the guitar, and based on how well you play a song it ups the difficulty, gives you things to practice, suggests mini games to play, and lessons to go over. I played it until my fingertips felt raw.
I tried using the doppler on Tuesday night because it had been a while, just over a week and a half, since I’d seen or heard Bee. I couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler, but I tried not to be concerned. Bee still has plenty of room to hide in there. As I lie still in bed I didn’t feel the now familiar flutters of Bee’s acrobatic tricks and a voice I had wanted to forget about crept back into the back on my mind. It whispered to me that it had been wishful thinking, that I had turned gas bubbles into baby movement. It told me that Bee was so lazy at the last ultrasound because he or she was struggling for life after the effects of the anesthetic. I tried to push the thoughts away. I argued that I know the difference between gas and baby pain and that the location was right for baby. I argued that Bee had a strong heartbeat. I argued that there had been no blood. The voice argued back that there had been a lot of pain. I argued that that’s to be expected with a cerclage. We went back and forth like this.
On Wednesday morning I got out the doppler again while David was at work and tried to find Bee again. It still didn’t work. I could hear my hearbeat but not the quick little gallop of my baby’s. I put my hands on my belly and waited for movement. My anxiety and I played tug of war again, and I tried so hard to beat it. Eventually I gave in to distracting myself instead. I played more Guitarsmith, I watched more DS9. I watched another documentary. I read some of my book. I planned dinner for David and I: stuffed peppers, and one of my sisters dropped off the ingredients I was missing… which was almost all the ingredients! I made dinner while David did some more work in his office, then we ate together.
About an hour or two after dinner I started to get a pretty substantial craving for a Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ. I told David about it, and he was in the middle of a webinar and he said that if I wanted to go alone I could get it. So I did. I got in the car and drove to DQ. The one near our house has a drive thru, and I decided that was what I was going to to. I got in the drive thru line and waited. I had my music on, I took my debit card out of my wallet. I rolled down the window, but it was crazy hot and did not smell nice so I rolled it back up. I waited for the cars ahead of me to move and when they did, I did. As I took my foot off the break one time I faintly heard a voice from the ordering speaker beside me as I drove past it. Oops!!! I felt pretty stupid. I got out of the drive thru line and texted David about my ridiculous brain fart. He encouraged me to get back in line and if anybody asked to blame it on baby brain. And that’s exactly what I did.
I still didn’t feel much Bee movement before bed that night and by the time we were leaving for the ultrasound appointment in the morning, the anxiety monster had a pretty good hold on me. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the worst, while the part of me that still felt like my usual self kept trying to hold onto a large body of evidence for hope. When we got there the place wasn’t as modern and fresh feeling as the fertility clinic, but it wasn’t as cold and unwelcoming as the hospital ultrasound area either. David wasn’t allowed to come in for the whole thing like he had been at the fertility clinic, but he was allowed to come in for part of it without us having to beg plead or cry for it like at the hospital. The tech did all her measuring and looking first. She was quiet, and I just couldn’t stand not knowing what was going on, so I asked her.
“Do you see a baby in there?”
“Does it have a heartbeat?”
“Yes it does.” Then she smiled at me.
“Good,” I replied, “everything else is gravy.”
When she finished all her diagnostic stuff she went and got David. We got to see our tiny human on the screen, wiggling away, heart beating. Not the big acrobatic movements that I’ve seen this kid do before, but still squirming. It was such a good sight! The voice of my anxiety was forced to shut up, at least for a while.
The tech asked David to leave so that she could take a final measurement. She had to measure my cervix by doing an internal ultrasound. David has been in the room for internal ultrasounds at the fertility clinic, but the rules here are different. I was nervous about this scan because of the stitch, but she told me it was perfectly safe. She was very gentle, but even still it hurt. She said she was done and started removing the probe, then she stopped and started checking stuff again. Well that terrible, mean voice came back, telling me something was wrong with the stitich, there was infection, we were going to lose this baby too. Then it started with all the other things that could go wrong at my obgyn appointment in the afternoon.
I was seeing a different doctor than Doctor M because she is on vacation. This one is also a Doctor M but I’ll call her Doctor Not-My-M. We had a long wait to see Doctor Not-My-M. She was very quick with us, inching towards the door while we were still asking questions. She didn’t listen to the hearbeat, she didn’t check my cervix. She said the ultrasound results looked good, but she first told me that the ultrasound was done a week ago and I had to tell her it was done that morning and she kind of shrugged it off. She said my cervix was high and long with no sign of funneling, so everything was good. That was it. She was at the door as David was asking her for a repeat on one of my prescriptions that I for got to ask Doctor M about before she went on Vacation. Doctor Not-My-M came back in the room with a requisition for my next ultrasound and the prescription slip and that was that. Bye bye. I was kind of disappointed to find out that when I go back in two weeks I’ll be seeing Doctor Not-My-M again because Doctor M will still be on vacation.
That night I spent some time looking over the ultrasound pictures we have of Bee. Even though we have had eight ultrasounds so far, we only have pictures from five. But it is still really cool to see Bee grow and change. Being high risk does offer this one pretty awesome consolation prize. Not many parents get to have so many glimpses of their baby and get to witness just how quickly they grow and change in these first few months.Every time the anxiety monster starts getting bad, I just have to wait a few days, maybe a week at the longest and I get to see my baby again.
I definitely felt movement on Thursday night, and I think that with the mounting anxiety in the days leading up to these appointments, the anxiety was stopping me from being still enough and calm enough to feel Bee bouncing around.
Before getting out of bed on Friday, I checked my phone as I usually do as part of my wake-up routine (terrible technology addiction) I had a notification that three years ago I had posted two pictures of my grand nephew. I had posted those pictures mere hours after he was born. Looking at the pictures of his wrinkly newborn face and thinking of the amazing kid he has grown into, I couldn’t help but think of Bee, and wonder what Bee will look like and what Bee will be like. I re-shared the images, wishing him a happy third birthday.
I stayed home alone again while David went to work. I tidied up a bit, swapped out the dishes. made myself stuff to eat, and took time to sit, and to lie down and to be still. I wasn’t actually home alone, Bee was with me. I could feel my tiny baby bouncing around after I drank my fruit smoothie. I guess Bee liked the mix of blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, and banana.
In the evening, my sister, her husband and their son came by for a visit. They talked computer stuff with David while I rolled over on the couch and fell asleep! After that we went to Montana’s for dinner. I am so happy that this baby lets me eat! I had four cheese spinach dip and a yummy steak! Oh and a baked potato. When we got home, David and I cuddled on the couch and watched some more DS9, and I felt some more of BabyBee’s dancing. I really wish I could share this amazingly wonderful feeling with David.
Oh, and you may have noticed the new Featured Image for my Bee’s Story posts, it was created my my amazingly talented niece Hannah. We worked together to come up with an image we were both happy with. I think it will really tie all these posts together! Thanks Hannah!