Well, I think this might have been the longest week I will experience during this pregnancy. I hope it was. With Lily, our nineteenth week was our last together. With Anika, that’s not the case! But it that doesn’t mean I didn’t worry and cry, and have a few anxiety attacks.
Saturday I made sure to get a bump pic! Other than that I did my best to stay put. I spent some time in the living room, the bedroom and the office I worked on crocheting, and David and I started watching a Canadian Sci-Fi show called Dark Matter. I honestly have to say that Saturday, Sunday and Monday all have bled together in my mind into one long day. There were a lot of tears as I re-lived my four days in a hospital bed with Lily, and I held my belly willing Anika to stay put. I was acutely aware of every little cramp and twinge.
I appreciated David’s patience and support. And the way that he took care of me. Making me food, getting me things to keep me comfortable and busy, making suggestions for how I could pass the time. He never once belittled my feelings. He was understanding of my frustration and my emotional roller coaster. He left the apartment a few times to go get groceries and whatever and as soon as I was alone I could feel the walks closing in on me. After three days of bed rest I had no clue how I was going to make it through five more months of complete bed rest alone with my thoughts and worries.
I decided it was time to start working on a special blanket for Anika. Since her nickname is Bee, we decided that we’d like to continue the bee theme in her nursery and David found a crocheted blanket on Pinterest, I decided to tackle it, but change it a little, because I never do anything by the book. I had bought the yarn a couple of weeks back and I was pretty excited to get started. It’s moving along pretty well, and I’m looking forward to getting it done. I’m going to be adding a few bees to it, and I also want to make a little toque that matches and has a little bee on it too, and if I can figure out how to do it, I want to make a little cardigan for Anika that matches. Then that will be what she comes home from the hospital in over a nice white sleeper.
On Monday we reached 18w2d gestation. With Lily at 18w2d I was having contractions.
Monday night after David was done work he had to go and get some new pants for his new job, since he has to go into the office four days a week. I was feeling pretty squirreley from being in the apartment all the time and I begged him to let me go with him. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn’t thrilled at having to push me in the wheelchair. We went to Mark’s Work Wear House and then to Walmart and in Walmart I was able to use a motorized scooter, so David didn’t have to push me. When we got back I had a little nap and after my nap I was absolutely starved! I’d had a dream that we took our new born daughter to McDonalds and they were having tours of the 100% automated kitchen, and David took new born baby Anika to see the machines. So when David asked me what I wanted for dinner, I had McDonalds on my mind. I hopped back in the wheelchair to get to the car and then we went through the drive through and parked in the parking lot to eat our food in the car.
On Tuesday David started his new job. I woke up that morning after having a terrible dream that we were losing Anika the way we lost Lily. I tried to put on a brave face and wished David well on his first day. I didn’t want him worrying about me while he was working. I don’t think I did a very good job because before 10am he had sent me three different messages letting me know how close he was to home and how soon we could be there if I needed him.
Even knowing that David was so close, shortly after ten, I started feeling little cramps in my stomach. I tried to remind myself that Doctor M said that if the cramps lasted over an hour then I should get to the hospital. I tried to tell myself that worrying wouldn’t help and I should just wait and see if they went away on their own. Even with all the logic I was trying to hold onto, I couldn’t escape the throes of a full blown panic attack. The cramping subsided within the hour, but it took much longer than that for my body and mind to return to normal. I was still shaky and didn’t quite feel attached to this world by the time Eva, Tom, La and Za showed up some time after eleven to keep me company. In the afternoon Mia and Kaiden showed up as well and Eva, Mia and I had a little crochet party. I was teaching Eva how to do a granny square, and I just grabbed a nice thin soft purple that I had used for another baby blanket and a blue of the same that I have used a few times and used them to make a sample square as I was teaching Eva. I decided I really like the colour combination and added in a grey just for some more variation and I decided I’m going to make another blanket for my wee girl.
That night I cot a message from a friend of mine who lives out west. She and I really got to know each other after she had been reading my blog and received her own PCOS diagnosis. She has had to overcome some pretty big hurdles, but right now she is pregnant with her first baby. I wanted to do something special for them and I made him a baby blanket. She messaged me to let me know that she got it in the mail, and that she really loved it. It warmed my heart that the blanket meant so much to her.
Wednesday spent most of the day alone but didn’t freak out. David had ordered me this computer desk from Amazon and it was delivered on Tuesday, and I got to use it for the first time on Wednesday. It made it a lot easier to use my computer and to keep myself busy. I was expecting my sister Becky and one of my nieces to come by some time near 1pm, and I convinced myself that I was going to be okay and that there was nothing to worry about. I threw myself into doing some work on the computer and playing around a bit, and I managed to make it through the day with no tears and no panic. It felt like such a victory! Becky and her son came by around 3, and I was very happy for the company but I still felt a sense of accomplishment for getting through most of the day by myself. After David cam home, the three of them went out to run a couple errands and I stayed home alone, and I was totally fine with it. The walls didn’t close in. I knew I was okay.
Thursday I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. We were 18w5d. The weekend was close. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I completed a task on the computer that I had started last week, and I finally had it done before noon. My sister in law Valerie came by and spent the afternoon with me. It was really nice to just have a chance to chat and visit with her. It seems like it’s been a while since we have had a chance to do that. She left before David came home and David had a nice quiet evening just the two of us, and I was able to celebrate with David how I made it through two days without any sort of emotional breakdowns. I was feeling really good both emotionally and physically. We even did a little outing, another trip to Walmart for groceries so that I could use the motorized scooter again.
Friday Mia and Kaiden came by again. We had a good visit and Kaiden was super helpful. Did I mention he’s three? When David got home he made us stir fry, and we all ate dinner together. After that, David’s mom came by. She is spending the weekend with us and it is really nice that she was able to make the time and make the long drive to come and see us.
Friday was a bit bitter-sweet for me. Anika was 18w6d gestation. When Lily was 18w6d I got to hold her in my arms and see her face. I love both of my daughters so much and I was so happy that Anika is still safe and sound in the comfort of my womb, and I am happy to wait many more months to see her face when she is fully cooked and strong enough for our world. At the same time I am so sad that I didn’t get to celebrate the milestone of 19weeks with Lily or any of the milestones after that. My daughters both hold such special but different places in my heart and they a both such special but different individuals. I am so happy for the time I have had with both of them.
I am so thankful for my family and the time they have given to me and to David and I. They have picked up so much of the slack. I am so thankful for the little chores they have done, the food they have made, the drinks they have brought me, and most importantly the weight all of that has taken off of David’s shoulders as he now has so much that he is responsible for.
I am so thankful for David and for his patience and kindness. I’m thankful for his understanding and his ability to roll with all that we have been going through. The way that he is adapting to the new normal of the wheelchair and everything else.
I really am so blessed. I look forward to when I can share Anika with all the other people who love her. I will wait and I am happy to wait to see her face.