Not the Reaction I Expected

After seeing doctor M2, I had a bunch of blood work to get done. Six vials in total. I thought about going and havng my blood done right after our initial appointment but the waiting room was packed! I decided to go early in the morning a couple of days later.

Getting my blood taken was uneventful. The next day I was just chilling in the living room with my husband when my phone rang, I checked the number and while it wasn’t immediately recognizable to me I decided to answer.

It was the assistant from Dr M2’s office. She wanted to talk to me about the blood work I’d had done the day before. Immediately my brain started buzzing, my chest got tight, I started running through how I’d been feeling lately, was there something I’d missed? My usual symptoms weren’t there, my temp hadn’t been steadily climbing, I could feel myself panicking and I was only able to half listen to what she was saying… Error at the lab, tests checked for the wrong thing, can I go back and let them redraw for Hep B?

My mind began to focus… Hep B… There had been an error at the lab where the vials marked Hep B were accidentally tested for something else meaning that the clinic doesn’t have my Hep B results and they need me to get another draw for that. So I’m not pregnant. I could feel air entering my lungs again. I could breathe, I could think. I felt… Relieved… Why though? When I have wanted for so long to be pregnant, to carry my rainbow baby to term and bring them home from the hospital and raise them to adulthood… Why did I feel relieved that that wasn’t the reason for the call?

I think it’s about preparation, I think that because there are so many pieces to our plan and because we have suffered devastating losses in the past, I can’t quite get behind a surprise like that.

I had warning signs with Lily and with Anika, I knew when I ovulated, and in “the two week wait” I started getting early signs, one of the most telling was that I couldn’t make it through the night without getting up to pee. I took home pregnancy tests before getting a call from Doctor H’s office and I knew I was pregnant before they did. So the idea of someone at this new clinic knowing about a baby before me just didn’t feel right.

I wasn’t prepared. I hadn’t started taking extra folic acid yet, I wasn’t taking my antibiotics. I had no clues or indicators; I think that’s what freaked me out.

I do want to be pregnant again. I want to name our baby. I want to hear it baby cry. I want to get to experience all the different facets of parenthood. I also don’t want it to be a surprise.

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