It’s been a long journey with a lot of heartache and heartbreak.
They say insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different outcomes. We have made tweaks to our plan, taken additional actions, but if we reach the same outcome this time, there’s nothing more we can change. If we tried again after this it would be bordering on insanity.
I was pretty open about our fertility journeys with Lily and Anika, but this time I want to keep my cards closer to my chest. I’m guessing I will make these posts public at some point, but until this leg of our journey reaches it’s conclusion, whichever way that goes, I’m not ready to share.
I wish that I had the optimism and confidence that I had at the start of our first two attempts working with Doctor H to get pregnant, but I don’t. I feel battle hardened. I guess it’s fitting that at this point we’re starting with a new doctor, Doctor M2, (not to be confused with Doctor M who saw us through Anika’s pregnancy) and we’re working with a new clinic in a different city and with a much different plan to get a future baby to full term.
The decision to go back to fertility treatments has not been easy. Last summer, in a conversation that involved a lot of tears, my hubby Malcolm and I reached an understanding. He told me that whatever I wanted or felt I needed to do in terms of having another try at having a baby he would support, eg: surgery, surrogacy, adoption, temping and timing, whatever. I did not want to do fertility meds again, they’re hard. They change how I feel emotionally and physically, they change my relationship with my husband. I didn’t want to go through that to end up with more pain and sadness and another urn, memorial tattoo, and Angel day. My feelings towards surrogacy and adoption have not changed either. I figured let nature take its course, and in the meantime get TAC’d and plan for a pregnancy full of antibiotics and medical observation. I got a device called OvuSense which is supposed to be better than basal body temping at detecting, tracking and predicting ovulation in women with PCOS
By March it was pretty clear that while I was getting periods, I was not actually ovulating. I started to feel like I was going crazy, I started to think that with all these precautions: a MFM doctor at one of the best hospitals in Ontario who will follow our pregnancy from 12 weeks onward and the opportunity to stay at the hospital on a special unit for people who need to be close to the hospital but not with direct medical care for the most critical portion of the pregnancy on to delivery, my TAC in place, antibiotics to deal with the infection we know is there; why can’t I get pregnant? We know that if we can get me to ovulate, we can get pregnant… It took two cycles for Lily and one successful cycle for Anika (my first cycle that time I didn’t ovulate).
It was early in April and I was in tears when I started a conversation with Malcolm about trying fertility treatments again. I fear the mood swings and the hot flashes, but I fear not giving this one more try even more. He was so supportive, he told me he knew this conversation was coming, and he was just waiting for me to reach the point where I wanted to have it. He’s scared too, we both fear another loss, and we both know that this is the absolute last time we are going to try.
The next day I called my family doctor to request a referral. It took a couple of weeks to hear back, but our first appointment with Dr M2 was set for June 25th, exactly a week after I returned from England.
We got to the clinic, and it was quite different from Doctor H’s setup. Dr H had fertility statues, and orchids, and a wall of pictures of success stories. Dr M2’s practice is much more clinical. Looking around the waiting room and the office you could just as easily be seeing an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
Dr M2 was fairly young and kind. She had done her homework and has a pretty good grasp on our situation and the many complications I have had. She was interested in both mine and Malcolm’s mental health and what supports we had. She called Lily and Anika by name and never once referred to either of them as the fetus. She was familiar with Doctor A who did my TAC procedure and has been to conferences where Dr A had spoken.
Dr M2 agreed that I should be on antibiotics right away in my next pregnancy and she has had experience with the infection I have and does not see it as being a deal breaker to trying again. She offered to put us in contact with a local MFM but at this point we still want to continue with the plan of receiving care with Doctor C despite the distance to that hospital.
Doctor M2 thinks that starting me on letrosol at the doseage I was at to conceive Anika seems like a good place to start, and we just have a few tests to run before we have our follow up appointment and start treatment.