Today as I write this, but a while back as you read it, Brooklyn started IVF meds. She’s taking Gonal-F, an injection med that I have had a bit of experience with. If things go well, we should be doing a transfer at the end of the month! I am excited, but I’m also feeling a lot of “I believes it when I sees it.” It doesn’t feel like reality yet. I guess that is both the blessing and the curse of being the intended mom and not the person taking the meds.
Based on past cycles, the IVF nurse gave Brooklyn a tentative window of the end of the month, but that could swing by several days in either direction based on how her body reacts to the meds. I got a call from that IVF nurse this morning where she reiterated to me the importance of going for cycle monitoring every scheduled day so that we don’t miss the window. Part of me felt the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for that and part of me wanted to roll my eyes because there is not much of an active part that I can play in cycle monitoring appointments or timing cycles right now. I trust that Brooklyn will make it to the clinic and follow all of the instructions. Together she and I clarified with the satellite monitoring clinic where she will be going on weekends and holidays versus regular weekdays.
The plan for transfer depends a little bit on when transfer ends up being. If it’s a Tuesday, Malcolm won’t be able to go, if it’s pretty much any other day then he can. We will book train tickets for Brooklyn to come to Kingston and then the three of us (or two if it’s a Tuesday) will drive up to Ottawa. We’ll stay at a hotel the night before and then do the transfer in the morning. Ideally we’ll get a chance to sight-see a bit too. It’s hard to plan though, because we won’t know when the transfer will be until about five days ahead of time.
Oh, and I can’t remember if I already wrote about this or not, but the clinic will be closing for a couple of weeks at the start of March to replace their HVAC system… so if things swing on the later side, we might be out another cycle. So that is another hurdle we may need to deal with.
I think that the lack of a knowable runway at this point is one of the things really adding to my sense of un-reality with it… That and how many false starts there have been. And I think not being the one getting the shots also adds to the un-reality. I bet when the first needle went in it felt real for Brooklyn.
There’s also some worry and trepidation that this will end in another loss. Someone once said “insanity is doing the same thing again and again and again expecting different results”. Well, here we are, trying again! Is it wrong to hope or even expect that I will have a healthy baby in my arms by next Christmas? But going into this full of pessimism and expecting it to end in more grief and sadness, that just sounds and feels awful. I have to have hope.
One of the things that I am doing with my hopeful, nervous, energy is making a blanket for Brooklyn. I have never made a circular blanket before, so it has been a good learning curve and takes a good amount of brain space and focus. I like the idea that while she is keeping our baby safe and warm, she can cuddle up with her babies under this blanket and in a small way I can help keep them safe and warm. I hope that I will have the blanket done by our transfer, but only time will tell. It will depend on how much focus I am able to give it and how much time things like school and work take during this period of waiting… And, of course, when transfer ends up being! Last month seemed to take forever, but so far February is flying by. It will be interesting to see if things slow down now that I know one of our maybe-babies might be coming out of the deep freeze in a couple of weeks and getting a chance at life.
I cannot express how grateful I am for Brooklyn and that she is giving our maybe-baby this chance at life.
ananee 
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