Like so many in the infertility and child-loss communities, Malcolm and I know that a successful IVF transfer does not always mean a viable pregnancy. As I write this, we are in the two week wait. As you read this, it’s later. I have created this buffer to protect our hearts and allow us time to process what is happening in real time before sharing it with the world. Just because as you read this I’m ready to share this part of the story does not necessarily mean I am ready to share what happened next. Please be patient.
On Saturday, February 24th, we got our official transfer day of Thursday, February 29th! Malcolm did all the bookings for trains and hotels and on Wednesday the 28th I picked up Brooklyn at the train station. She’d had a busy morning with a couple of travel hiccups but she managed to make her connecting train at Union and the Via ride was a quiet and relaxing experience for her.
While I was waiting for Brooklyn at the train station, I was definitely experiencing nervous energy. We were about to spend our longest visit together yet and we weren’t going to have the kiddos as distractions. I was worried that after spending this amount of time together it would feel awkward, we’d not get along, there would be bad energy… All sorts of worry and the biggest was that a real transfer means a real opportunity for loss. Malcolm and I have had three pregnancies start to grow our family and 100% have ended in loss. I barely had time to recognize my doom-spiral and begin naming it’s components when Brooklyn’s train arrived. I went outside to grab a video of it. I felt like it would be nice for this future child to see parts of their story like this. I also took a video of Brooklyn coming off the escalator for the same reason. She met me with a big smile and a good hug.
We headed back to my place to wait for Malcolm to be done work and Brooklyn got to meet Malcolm’s mom. Brooklyn has been learning about and embracing her Indigenous ancestry and heritage and she has been sharing pieces of this with me as we have gotten to know each other. She taught me about Smudging and we did a Smudge together in my living room. It was lovely and peaceful and the smoke smelled wonderful. She also gave me beaded earrings that she had made. When Malcolm was done work, we got in the car and headed to Ottawa. Conversation flowed easily and my nervousness eased progressively throughout the day.
Our first stop when we got to Ottawa was the hotel. We got our room keys and dropped off our luggage. We then went to Lone Star for dinner and then a quick stop at Walmart for water and then back to the hotel. Brooklyn hung out in our room for a while and we all chatted about the transfer, what comes next, or families, our histories, scary stories from the surrogacy world and the beautiful stories that counterbalance and outweigh them. I can’t remember what time it was when we said goodnight, but then Brooklyn went to her room and Malcolm and I went to bed.
It was extremely windy, the trees outside our window were rocking back and forth and gusts of wind were lifting a dumpster lid and causing it crash randomly throughout the night. Despite that, we were able to sleep. On Thursday morning, Brooklyn and I dressed in matching “Love and Science” tee-shirts, complementary “Our bun, her oven” and “their bun, my oven” socks, Brooklyn wore her Ribbon Skirt and I wore the earrings she made me. We had breakfast at the hotel. They actually had an impressive spread for a continental breakfast including bacon, scrambled eggs, and pancakes! The coffee was pretty good too. And the dining room had a decent number of tables and chairs. It was much nicer than many of the Continental Breakfasts Malcolm and I have seen over the years. After Breakfast we returned to our rooms for a bit and then I met Brooklyn in the lobby and she and I went outside and did another Smudging. It was cold and windy, but it was still a really positive experience and I appreciated her sharing her spirituality and her medicine with me and wrapping our transfer in this loving energy.
Malcolm met us in the lobby and we all drove to the clinic. When we got there, Brooklyn and I went in, and Malcolm stayed in the car. I have never seen the clinic as packed as it was that morning. There were people standing because there were not enough seats. When one woman was called in the man that was with her offered us the seats they had been using and he stood to wait for her. We did not have to wait long for them to call Brooklyn in. They confirmed our names and gave us hospital bracelets. I go to wear one for me and one for Malcolm. Considering how packed the waiting room was, I was surprised that we were the only ones in the IVF transfer waiting area. We got changed for the transfer, I got to wear scrubs, and Brooklyn wore hospital gowns. We’d barely gotten settled in the waiting area when the nurse checked our names again, took Brooklyn’s temperature and blood pressure and then told us it was transfer time!
Brooklyn commented afterwards how impressed she was with how they informed us of every step and asked her for consent before everything they were about to do. They put our embryo up on the screen for me to take a picture. I sent the picture of the embryo to Malcolm and he responded that it took a minute to load and at first it was pixelated. He suggested nicknaming this little one Pixel. I was surprised that despite having the same grading, Pixel and Jellyfish actually looked different. I did not even need to compare my pictures to see the differences. Pixel was transferred successfully on the first try, and we were ready to go soon after that. They gave us an ultrasound of where Pixel is in Brooklyn’s uterus, but considering a 5 day embryo is the size of a pin-head, there’s not a lot to see. Still, it is nice to have. We have a similar portrait of Jellyfish.
We changed back into our transfer-day outfits, and headed outside. Malcolm drove the car up to the door for us and we went to McDonald’s for the traditional post IVF transfer french fries. After that we decided to be tourists for a bit. We drove through some parts of Ottawa that Malcolm knew well and then over to Quebec to the Canadian Museum of History. I have only been to this museum once before and back then it definitely had a more colonial focus including life-size buildings showing what life was like for early settlers. This time there is a much more expansive focus on pre-colonial Indigenous history, and Malcolm pointed out that the wording on some of the plaques even highlight this change; one talked about the Native people discovering visitors from across the ocean on their shores.
After the museum, we drove back to near the hotel and had dinner. After dinner we did a little photo-shoot with my light board and then Malcolm “pumpkined” he was tired, needed to recharge his introvert, and ready to not be around people anymore. So we said goodnight. As I laid in bed waiting to sleep, the doom spiral came back and I began to worry that all that walking around the museum was enough to push Pixel out of Brooklyn’s womb. I reminded myself that we had told the staff at the clinic that our plan was to check out the museum and they had all been fine with that, they had said that sounded nice and none of them raised alarm bells or said not to do it. Whether Pixel sticks around is outside of my control, I can worry all I want, and that’s not going to change it. I fell asleep repeating “I surrender control of this, I surrender control of this, I surrender control…”
The next morning we enjoyed another continental breakfast, then packed up and hit the road. We drove back home, and dropped Brooklyn off at the train station. I waited with her inside the station until the train arrived then we hugged and said goodbye. She took the train to Toronto where she had to catch a connection to a different train to get home. She let us know that this trip through Union went more smoothly! Malcolm and I went home and spend much of the rest of the day cuddling on the couch with our puppy. We were both pretty tired. Brooklyn reunited with her hubby and kids and she said they had a good evening with lots of cuddles.
Now, we are officially in the two week wait to see if Pixel will stick around.
ananee 
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